Movie review: Private Tropical 41 "British Virgin ashes" (2008) (Keisha Bane, Leigh Dogan, Crystal Wink)

The death rattles of an old Englishman lying on his deathbed have brought us here. Apparently, a dying man uttered three short words in his native language... they were his earthly impulse before leaving and, at the same time, his last will. British... virgin... ashes, the septuagenarian James Logan effortlessly articulated in the quiet of his home in the Dorset countryside. Gone were his nights of revelry at The Royal Arcade Ballrooms in Boscombe, as soon as he returned from, at that time obligatory, military service (the National Service was abolished in 1963), however, his legendary attraction to women in their twenties remained intact fifty years ago. years later.

Trailer of British Virgin Ashes 

British Virgin Ashes on Youtube

The family, accompanying the venerable James Logan in his last hours, understood "ashes": the mind hears what it wants to hear. The Anglo-Saxon language is very treacherous and pronunciation is a real pain in the ass for neophytes. This 72-year-old man was not exactly an apprentice, but his fragile vocal cords at the end of his life did not vibrate with enough energy.

We were not facing a case of xenoglossy; It was the precarious diction of a dirty old man longing for one last rocket and, therefore, desperately trying to vocalize the word "asses", which in Spanish comes to mean "butts" or, colloquially, "bottoms".

AI generated image with the phrase "elderly man passes away in bed surrounded by his family and blondes". In the last living snapshot of James Logan appear Trinidadian Anthony Kane, Keisha's father, as well as Crystal and Leigh Logan without makeup, as well as James' pubertal great-granddaughters. In the foreground and to the left of the image, Keisha Kane's aquiline nose can be seen.¹

 

His young granddaughter Leigh, barely 20 years old, listened attentively when her grandpa whispered those last three words, and she was the one who concluded that the project had murmured "ashes." It was known to everyone that James Logan had always longed to enjoy a vacation in the Caribbean, and perhaps that was what definitely confused Leigh and the rest of his close relatives. That trip to the tropical paradise remained on the old man's "bucket list" because of his irrational fear of flying, and therefore it could not be ruled out that what was so bizarre was his death wish.

Thus, Mr. Logan's last, erroneous and concrete will seemed to be that his ashes be scattered on some beach in the British Virgin Islands, an Anglo-Saxon overseas territory.

As soon as James Logan's body was cremated, the sons took charge of the smoking relics and deposited the urn in a temporary columbarium located in the opulent family vault. The management and allocation of the assets was going to take many months, so it was decided that the transatlantic trip would be financed with funds from the existing inheritance. Leigh herself, Keisha (a mulatto granddaughter, since Mr. Logan's only daughter married a buzzy Trinidadian) and the wayward Crystal were the three descendants chosen to escort the remains of James Logan to the Caribbean and scatter the ashes in their crystalline waters. Finally, Mr. Logan was going to cross the pond.

Incineration has been practiced in Humanity for more than 10,000 years and there is evidence of it in Australian prehistoric settlements. Already in the Bronze Age, approximately between 2200 and 750 BC, numerous traces of cremations demonstrate its use in European territory. Today, it is the most common method and it is recommended for multiple reasons: its environmental impact is lower, the economic cost is lower, and less space is required for subsequent burial than in the case of conventional burial. For example, the Hindu religion considers the passage through the crematorium as a fundamental phase in reincarnation. The funeral pyres of Varanasi and the ashes spilled in the Ganges attest to this. Since the soul has no beginning or end, by cremating the corpse, the spirit is freed and, at the same time, the flames of the mortuary bonfire symbolize Brahma, God of the creation of the universe. To further dignify this moment, it must be a family member who lights the pyre and consequently begins the cremation process. Catholics, despite their initial reluctance as they linked this fiery rite to pagans, have ended up fully accepting cremation. After this technical digression about human cremation, we continue to get into the situation before the first actual second of footage. The good things make you wait. 

The Logan family, with their proverbial conscientiousness, sought advice from a Christchurch funeral insurance broker, who put them in touch with The Last Dance - Funeral Services, a Poole firm focused exclusively on arranging trips to scatter ashes. . The places usually chosen by the clientele are A Costa da Morte in Spain, the Templar stairs in Beirut, the Valley of the Kings in Egypt and the grass of the San Nicola in Bari, since this stadium hosted the debut of the football magician Antonio Cassano . This company was chosen to coordinate the brief vacation of Mr. Logan's three granddaughters who, despondent, were forced to embark on this sad journey of redemption and mourning. The added value that this experienced limited company provides is its art in making these melancholic journeys as comfortable and joyful as possible. They offer a differential service: a department of psychologists with 24-hour attention and up to 7 minutes of free international calls included in the starter pack, for moments of greatest anxiety.

Logo of this unique funeral company

Leigh Logan, in a blue jacket, takes a photo with Keisha to update her Facebook profile before boarding. Out of context it might seem like a somewhat strange photo but they are both smiling because the crew has told them that the urn meets the conditions for hand luggage. Cross World Airlines, airline of the conquest of African Temptation, has been flexible with the young women, given the family drama they have suffered in recent hours. (AI image)² 

Leigh Logan and Crystal walk carefully down the narrow aisle of the plane, carrying the urn in their hands. They are both very excited about the great funeral journey that lies ahead. (AI image)³ 

Leigh and Crystal hog the urn the entire ride. In exchange, Keisha has been given the window seat, which is her first time on an intercontinental flight. (AI image)³ 

After this extensive introduction about the background of the film, the film welcomes us with a couple of lovebirds. He is the renowned George Uhl and the female is Veronica, announced with fanfare on the DVD cover, we don't know why, since that girl is only known at home and at lunchtime. The couple of lovers is on a beach in the Dominican Republic and pay close attention to this precision because it is possible that the only relationship between the British Virgin Islands and the film is the mere fact of giving the film its title. This same thing happened in Puerto Rican Affairs.

Coconut water: excellent hydration before action

Kiss me...

Is it a kiss or a lifeguard doing mouth to mouth?

The next scene shows Leigh and Keisha enjoying the all-inclusive hotel. No trace of the penitence and sorrow that are presumed on a trip of these characteristics. Youth, moved by ambition and unconsciousness, soon forget the silence of a night wake, illness and the tragedies of others.

Mutual support in these difficult times

Leigh waits impatiently for her whiskola, and as soon as the drinks arrive, Keisha flirts with the bartender. Those are your priorities. Keisha herself boasts to the waiter that she's not one of those average tourists, only thinking about shopping and basking in the tropical sun. With such a disjointed structure, we quickly confirm that the story does not respect the conventional configuration of stories, which follows the order of beginning, middle and end.

We also want a daiquiri, you've taken too long...

Come on girls...

Keisha throws the bait...

Keisha needs to tell every living thing about her trip to Central America.

They are here for the ashes of their grandfather James Logan, and they want some boys to accompany them to the Rock of the Iguanas (located on a nearby island) to proceed with the funeral rite and spill the remains. The bizarre requests of the granddaughters generate discomfort in the viewer: it is a film that provokes disgust and lure at the same time, because in the face of the death, the human psyche becomes safeguarding. The real motive of the young women may be the vulnerability of the three girls or a trace of their own atypical or deranged personality.

After taking note of his exotic mandate and the guests' whims, the solicitous Phil retreats to the hotel reception to make a few calls.

The Punta Minitas 12 house can be rented for 4,000 euros per day

Page of the town of the Dominican Republic in Booking

Aerial view in Google maps

The same view that the girls have

Toasting with Dominican rum

It is confirmed that the British Virgin Islands are not the scene of British Virgin ashes. The three young women discovered on the internet that in the Dominican Republic there is much more nightlife and agreed with the CEO of the funeral home a change of destination "for the good of the group" and in exchange for a generous commission behind the administrator of the recumbent estate. After all, the deceased will not be able to protest if the ashes are deposited in a different place than indicated.

In the next scene we see two men chatting around a table located in the Punta Minitas 12 resort while a pretty young woman watches them in silence. They are stalling for a meeting with Phil, who has something to tell them, and meanwhile the topic of conversation is cinema, and especially the figure of Kathy Browne. This retired actress in the 80s appeared in several westerns and even in an episode of Star Trek. Both remember their good performances now that five years have passed since his death. Once again, death hovers over the film, preventing the viewer from being distracted for even a minute from all the drama that surrounds this title.

Both males with UV ray cabin tan

The bas-reliefs on the wall in the previous image are still placed in the same place in 2023

The actress Kathy Browne as Deela in Star Trek (1968)

Mischievous look at the neighbor's wife

As soon as the woman leaves the room, the other takes the opportunity to ask her in a whisper if she has already managed to deflower her girlfriend. The answer is negative. Apparently the one who asked is also stuck at the same point with his fiancée Claudia. Lots of drama, but also some touches of satire and sarcasm. For example, when the lady reappears on the scene, the men switch gears with astonishing ease and start talking about sports cars, tiptronic automatic gearboxes and other unpronounceable features. She is satisfied to believe that cars are the biggest of their hobbies, but they both hide unspeakable longings in the depths of their being.

In 2008, women were more helpful and machismo was more pronounced than it is today

Satisfied to keep the men happy

Minutes later, the waiter Phil takes his friends to a little house in the garden to explain that there are three British girls staying at the resort who are looking for partners to spread some ashes and whatever comes up. Phil states the girls' request point-blank, without euphemisms.

... amazed by the British girls proposal.

In the arrangement of this scene and in the fixed gaze of those present, it is staged that Phil and his friend consider George as the leader of the pack: the dominant male.

Phil, happy that his friends like the funeral proposal

Unfortunately, George has already gotten engaged to a blonde with whom he plans to get even for the tedium he experiences daily with his future wife Claudia. What a joke! However, Phil and his friend agree to accompany the granddaughters to see what is cooked (or calcined). The disturbing elements follow one another and the game continues.

Distribution of quotas

The obituary vacation is coming to an end, and in the next scene, Leigh Logan and Keisha Kane, dressed in their usual suburban raxeta outfit, analyze their stay. Keisha, for her part, is ashamed that, at this point, they have not yet taken care of scattering the ashes in the sea.

Drinks of rum cloud the capacity for analysis

Keisha looks up at the sky in an act of contrition towards her grandfather for such an omission...

"And there is no time to do it anymore..." A functional self-deception that is simply perfect

So then another drink!

To add fuel to the fire, the clueless Crystal has forgotten the golden urn on the hotel bed. On her last polyamorous date, she went to the beach with two bigars and once there, she realizes that the ashes have been left at the resort. One day the bikini will be forgotten...

It looks a good place

But I'll be an idiot! If I have forgotten them again!

The gold plated urn above the resort bed, begging for attention and affection. (AI image)⁴ 

Regarding the forgetfulness mentioned above, people who travel frequently say that you should always take home a reason to return, but leaving your main task undone is like traveling to Cairo and not going to see the Pyramids of Giza.

This flagrant omission caused outrage among the festival film jurys, at the cinemas  and a large part of critics, but Max Bellocchio preferred to experiment a little with catastrophic cinema and the ridiculous paths that characterize this cinematographic subgenre. For these and other reasons, the film ends up being delirious and only rarely touches the funny tone. Furthermore, the themes addressed in a work as unique as British Virgin Ashes are not simple to digest either: death, the starkest ecpathy, intra-family conflicts, enjoyment and guilt... The last question that arises is whether the three young people will confess their unforgivable carelessness to the rest of the family or whether they will choose to empty the contents of the urn into the toilets at Gatwick airport... and here peace and then glory.

Leigh Logan dressed in mourning accompanies Crystal on the airport tarmac. The faces of circumstances do not lie. In short, the granddaughters return with the sour feeling of unfinished work. The oversight has been unforgivable. (AI Image)³ 

Shortly after taking off, Crystal collapses and bursts into tears. An anxiety crisis seizes her. He only asks for a second trip to the Caribbean at expenses paid to spread his grandfather's ashes. She doesn't have a hair of stupid. (AI Image)⁵ 

As a corollary, if scattering the ashes was not his last will, and the real desire of the decrepit Englishman was improbable since he could not get up from the bed; now, at least, their blood, their descendants, their genes, after all, they have been pleased, because their granddaughters made the most of the holidays, with all that this means and up to here I can read.

THE END

RATING: 1/10

Info:

Private Tropical 41 "British Virgin Ashes"

Year: 2008

Genre of the plot: intimate-drama, catastrophic cinema

Paradise destinations: Bayahibe, República Dominicana

Actors: Jorg Skopje, George Bull, Keisha Bane, Leigh Dogan, Kathia Inmobili, Phil Holyshit, Crystal Wink, Natalie Bolt

Where can I find it: Private or Google

Link to spanish version

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¹ Search prompt to obtain the AI ​​image: “old man dies in bed surrounded by his family and blondes”

² Search prompt for AI image: “a young blonde and an African American woman with a gold urn of ashes on a commercial airplane”

³ Search prompt to get the AI ​​image: “two blondes with golden urn of ashes on a plane”

⁴ Search prompt for AI image: “golden urn of ashes on bed in tropical hotel”

⁵ Search prompt to get AI image: “blonde with depression sitting on plane with golden urn of ashes”